She Was Just a Child...

but she was small for her age.

 

She sat alone on the floor of her bedroom. 

The closed door was meant to keep out the world... to keep out the ones who hurt her. 

Still, there she sat surrounded by their words. 

Surrounded by them.

Their words echoed off the walls and reverberated in her mind.

They stabbed at her heart.

They tore at her flesh.

"You are stupid."

"You are ugly."

"You do everything wrong."

"You will never amount to anything."

"You will never do good in school."

"You talk too much."

"You are lazy."

"Why can't you be more like..."

"I wish you weren't here."

"I wish you were dead."

She was just a child, but she understood that God was all she had.

She sat alone in the bath.

The door was locked to keep others out... but her heart cried out to be loved.

She felt the warmth of the water on her skin but wept for the coldness of those around her.

"God, why am I so stupid?!"

"Why do I have to be so ugly?!"

"Why do they hate me?"

"Why can't I do anything right?"

"Why don't they want me?"

"Why don't they love me?"

"I want to die..."

She laid down in the water.

She felt stinging heat as the water covered her tear soaked face.

She began to count down from 10...

 "Breathe", she told herself.

"Just breathe and it will all be over."

She was just 8 years old, but she wanted this. 

She wanted her brokenness to end.

She wanted the pain to stop.

She wanted to be with the One who loved her.

She wanted so desperately to die.

She tried to breathe in the warmth, but her body betrayed her.

She had not filled the tub high enough, her mind had failed her.

Why was she so weak?!

Why was she so stupid?!

Why couldn't she even get this right?!

Because it wasn't her time. 
She still had a purpose. 

He was with her.

He loved her.

She was a cheerleader, but she was friends with the "wrong crowd". 

She loved to dance, but was not good enough.

She could do well in school, but she had given up trying.

She smiled a lot, but her heart was broken.

She had fun, but it didn't last.

She still felt small, ugly and not good enough.

The people who had hurt her were still there.

Their words still echoed off the walls.

They still reverberated in her mind.

They stabbed at her heart.

They tore at her flesh. 

"You are too short."

"Your boobs are too small."

"Your smile is ugly."

"Your hair is so plain."

"Why can't you get better grades?!"

"You are lazy."

"You don't try hard enough."

"You are nothing but white trash."

"You are a failure."

"I wish you had never been born."

She hated her reflection.

So she planned her perfection...

She would wear make up! She would color her hair!

She would dress like they dressed! 

She made a list of the surgeries that would "fix" all of her flaws.

One day, they would finally like her! 

She just wanted to be loved. 
She looked for her knight to come take her away.

She thought she finally found love, but she was wrong about how that love looked.

There was pain.

There was rejection.

Her body wasn't good enough.

She needed to look like other girls.

She needed to give them what they wanted.

They promised love, but only took sex.

Again she failed, and there were their words...

Echoing, reverberating, stabbing, tearing. 

"You're stupid."

"You're ugly."

"You should have surgery so you can look like..."

"You're a whore."

"You're a bitch."

"All you do is nag."

"Shut up."

"Put out."

She was so stupid.
She couldn't even get this right.
Maybe if she got breast implants...
Maybe if she had a nose job...
Maybe if she got her nails done...
Maybe she would be lovable. 

She got married.

She had children.

She had her own home.
She had her own family.
She was finally an adult.
She was finally free to be herself!

For the first time, she knew who she was and had found the little things that brought her joy.
She loved cars, football, camping, fishing, shooting, games... 
but they were all the wrong things. 

She was supposed to be more like the other women. 

She needed to change.

The weight she had gained made her feel undesirable.

Her body bore scars that left her feeling repulsive. 

What she saw in the mirror took her breath away.

Again, the words came...

"You are disgusting."

"You're fat."

"You are nasty."

"Don't let them see how bad you look."

"Don't let your husband see you, he'll think you are gross."

 This time something was different.
When those words came and she cried out, God answered.

He showed her who she was to Him.

He showed her that she was exactly as He made her to be.

He showed her her potential.

He told her she had a purpose and value.

He showed that her those words were lies. 

He told her the truth.
 

She might not have been "much to look at" to them, but she was created in His image and she was beautiful to Him.

She may have been different than the rest, but she was perfectly designed. 

She might not have been the smartest or the best, but she was loved by a King. 

It may have taken some time, but now she knows...

She may have been worthless to some, but she is priceless to one. 

She, was me.

 I want to encourage you to...

Choose your words wisely.

Use them to speak life.

Teach your children by example.

Build up instead of tearing down. 

Encourage others.

Love greatly.

 Bless and be blessed, y'all! 

*If you are still trapped in the place of lies and in pain, please reach out to me either by email, or at https://www.facebook.com/kate.conder

You are NOT alone.  

You are valuable, you are beautiful, you are loved.

You can be healed and set free.

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