Why Am I Here?

Have you ever wondered what your purpose is in life?

I have.

At various different stages in life I have wondered why I am here. I have wondered what I could possibly have to offer. I have doubted that there was anything in me or anything I could do that was of value to anyone else.

--- AND THEN GOD ---

As a child, when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, all I could think of was simply being "grown up". To me that meant being free of all of the burdens, constraints, bullying, shame, rejection, judgement, and loneliness that I was experiencing. 

It meant the freedom to do whatever made me happy. The world lay ahead of me, the opportunities were endless. Happiness and freedom were on the horizon... but I still had no idea what I was going to do with my life. 

Sure, there were all kinds of fun adventures I wanted to go on, and amazing things I wanted to experience but as far as a career? As far as my own contribution? I was coming up empty.

I was told by so many people, over the years, that I was a "screw-up"; that I was "garbage"; that I would "never do well in school"; I would "never amount to anything"; I had "nothing of value in me". After a while, I genuinely believed it. So imagining a purpose for my life... it didn't seem possible.

When I became a mom, rather unexpectedly, that changed. Suddenly I had a purpose. There were little people that depended on me. Little eyes that looked at me with a love I was certain I did not deserve. I was constantly in awe of these precious little lives that came from mine. I wondered how such beautifully amazing little people could come from such a useless piece of trash.

Yet, as clearly and strongly as I felt "needed", for the first time in my life, I still felt like something was missing from me. I still felt so painfully inadequate, lost and worthless. My babies were so incredibly valuable to me, but I felt I had nothing to give back to them, let alone to offer to the world. 

Still, I knew that God loved me. I knew that He saw value in me. I just had NO idea why.

I took my first "Spiritual Gifts" questionnaire while my kids were still quite young. If you are wondering what in the world a "Spiritual Gifts" questionnaire is, it is pretty much a list of statements, about areas of talents and skills, that you rate low to high based on how they make you feel or how well you think you do in those areas, not entirely dissimilar to the "Career Guidance" questionnaires we took in high school. 

I scored painfully low in all of the areas except "Serving", "Giving" and "Missions". In areas like "Leadership" or "Ministry", I had 5 points each, simply because you couldn't rate anything lower than 1. I really believed that I was no where near qualified or worthy of any such position, so I could not even consider if I enjoyed any aspects of them or had any level of skill in those areas.

I looked at my list of "Gifts" and thought, "Everyone can serve, that isn't really much of a "gift". I have nothing to give, financially, materially or skill wise, no matter how much I would love to bless someone else. There is no way we can afford to go on mission trips."

Instead of feeling excited about those things that God had put in me, the things that make me who I am, I felt like I was lacking and yet again, a disappointing failure.

I longed so much to serve God and to bless others, but clearly, I had nothing of value to offer. Still.

But God, He knew what He was doing. He began to work in those three areas of my life. He began stirring up little fires in my heart. 

He showed me that serving was a gift. That it did bless others. That it was something that I could give. I could give of my time. I had a passion in my heart for helping others in any way I could and God showed me how to put that to work. If it meant stacking chairs at church, helping set up for outreach, cleaning up after events, helping people move or do yard/housework, it didn't matter what it looked like, I was so happy to be serving and finally having tangible worth.

He took my desire to travel and merged it with my passion for helping and gave me a dream, a vision and a hope for a future in missions. He put nations and people on our family's hearts and He has ordered our steps to guide us in His calling and prepare us for this part of His plan.

He has repeatedly pushed me outside of my comfort zone and stretched me in the areas where I thought I had no ability or skill. He has healed my wounds. He has replaced lies with His TRUTH. He has trained and equipped me for the work He has called me to do.

I no longer sit alone, aching for value, worth and purpose, and I am burdened with it and the work He has called me to, even the things that scare me, bring me so much joy. 

I am excited for the new adventures He has planned for me. I am so thankful for His design and the way He created me. There is no one exactly like me. There is no one that can steal my calling, His plan, my purpose or my identity because it rests safely in His hands.

The same is true for every single person in this world. We are all beautifully unique and designed to play our very own part in God's great masterpiece. No one can take that away. No one can be a "better" you. No one can do exactly what you were created to do in just the way you were designed to do it.

You are special. You are unique. You are loved. 

You have a purpose!

Be blessed my friends! <3