I felt a rush of emotions cascading through me like a raging river about to crest it's banks. I felt it slam into my chest with such force that it took my breath away. I felt...
Pain.
So much pain for the precious little girl in that image. Now, I realize that this was a staged image, but what it is depicting is so very real. I have thought and felt exactly as that little girl more times than I can count, and it was not limited to a "phase" or an age. I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember. I have looked in the mirror and seen:
"UGLY"
"FAT"
"DISGUSTING"
"GROSS"
"TOO FLAT"
"SQUISHY"
"FLABBY"
"SCARRED"
"NASTY"
"GARBAGE"
"NOT ENOUGH"
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH"
"IF YOU HAD SURGERY FOR... THEN YOU WOULD BE PRETTY"
"IF ONLY YOU COULD LOOK LIKE..."
"IF ONLY YOU COULD BE MORE LIKE..."
"YOU. ARE. WORTHLESS."
All of those words had been spoken to me at various points in time by various people but they held the most weight when I stood before that mirror, allowed myself to see what they saw, and told myself that those lies were my truth.
Body shaming is the insidious beast that has quietly slithered into our thoughts and hearts via strategic ad campaigns and slick photo editing. We are taught from a very young age what we "should look like". We are spoon fed standards of beauty that are connected to a person's ascribed worth and value. But whose standards are they? Are they our innate perceptions? Are they absolute truth?
NO.
They are the unrealistic imaginings of the few spread about with the intention of creating a "need" for products. Imagine if we taught girls that they were wonderfully made and that their bodies are amazing, regardless of what their measurements are! What if we celebrated the diversity of skin tones, hair colors, eye colors, feature shapes, sizes and traits? What if we loved who we are on the inside more than we cared about what we "should look like" on the outside? What if every woman celebrated the other women around them instead of tearing them down? What if LIFE was the definition of beauty?
What would that world look like?
Earlier in the day I had read a fantastic post by Sarah Koppelkam on "The Cosmic Dancer" page, ( https://www.facebook.com/thecosmicdancerpage/?fref=photo ), about how we talk to our daughters about their bodies. Her thoughts could not be more on point. How we talk to our daughters, even our sons about their bodies and what we show them about how we see our own bodies or the bodies of others sets the framework for how they will view themselves and others.
I wish I could turn back time in this regard, I wish I had understood then what I know now, but alas, the damage is done.
"How so?"
See, my husband and I have been leading a group at our church to help people heal from the emotional wounds that led to addiction and unhealthy eating and living. This is something that is very dear to my heart because of my experiences in life. It is my passion to help others find freedom from the lies that have caused them so much pain and discover a true love for themselves, regardless of where they are at in their journey. It has been my experience that we will not be able to live truly healthy lives until we can approach our health from the standpoint of loving the body we have been given.
Last night was the first night that our children got to attend the new children's program, that has been incorporated into our church's adult recovery program, the purpose of which is to take our children through the same process of healing that we are going through. All three of our children left class excited to share with us the things that they struggle with that they want to pray about. They took turns going down the list and telling us which ones they struggle with "rarely, sometimes, and often". What my daughter said next crushed my heart into a million pieces...
She read off "Obsession with appearance:" and said "Always." Followed by "I look in the mirror and think my face is so ugly. It's horrible." There was a brief moment of silence and she said "I want to be pretty."
My baby. My precious, beautiful girl...
That image from earlier and all of the things I had been reading about how we should talk to our children about their bodies and how we should model body image, all came crashing back and I felt my heart just sink.
I am, at least in part, responsible for what she is feeling and seeing. I gave her the example of self-hatred. I showed her how to pick apart her physical attributes and devalue everything that makes her unique. I spoke those same words about myself in front of her. I showed her that beauty was about those rubbish standards that I had accepted from the world around me. I failed to show her her own value and worth through example.
Something HAS to change, and it has to happen NOW. Damage has been done, but it is not irreversible. It cannot be wiped away with words or compliments. It will take work, it will take truth and it will take time, but it CAN be done. Going forward there will have to be new information, new examples, and absolute transparency. We will have to walk this road together, but we will come out beautiful new creations on the other side.
The best thing I can do now is be open and honest with my children. I can share with them how wrong my thinking was. How broken that thinking made me. I can show them through different actions, different words, different attitudes, a better way to look at our bodies. I can teach them by example how to truly love the body they were given and appreciate the diversity of form that so richly enhances humanity.
I want my daughter to be able to celebrate beauty of the people around her because she is confident of her own beauty and worth. I want my sons to look at women and not judge their value based upon how they look in comparison to a doctored image. I want all of them to value their health and fitness not because they want to look a certain way, or wear a certain size, but because their body houses their most precious gift... their soul.
It is time for us to put our collective foot down and say "no more" to the hateful concept of body shaming. It is time for us to take back our bodies from the judgement of others. It is time for us to reclaim our self-esteem and find our value and worth in beauty of who we are, not how we look. It is time for us to look in the mirror and appreciate all of the quirks that make us beautifully different! It is time for us to be free from the lie that we aren't good enough. It is time for CHANGE.
Before we can pass that change on to our children and the people around us, we have to make that change in our own hearts. It is tough. It will be a battle. In the end, it will be worth it!
Please know that if you are struggling with this, you are NOT alone. I am here to walk this road with you. If you are struggling with low self-esteem, self-hatred, or body image, please feel free to reach out to me at: https://www.facebook.com/kate.conder or email me at: blesswitheachbreath@gmail.com I want to be here to support and encourage you.
No matter what magazines, images, labels, ads, or others say...
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are LOVABLE.
You are PRICELESS.
No comments:
Post a Comment