Last night was bittersweet.
As I sat and watched the last baseball game of the season, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Both of our boys still have one more game, but I won’t be there to see them play. Our daughter has a dance show next weekend, she gets to perform her new solo for the first time, and I won’t be there to cheer her on. I am excited to go on this adventure, but…
Here we are. It is the morning before we get on a plane to Argentina. As I sit here watching my babies sleep there is a war of emotions battling inside me.
We have been planning and preparing for this mission trip for months. There has been so much busy-work. Songs to learn, a new culture and history to study, another language to practice, all of the necessary paperwork, fundraising, and daily life on top of that. Things have been so chaotic. I haven’t had much time to really prepare myself for the trip ahead.
While I was planning my will, praying about where the kids would go in the event of our deaths, I had moments of panic, moments of fear and a whole lot of regret. Regret for time wasted on meaningless things. Moments to make precious memories pushed aside as we were driven by tunnel vision, intent on the task at hand. I thought of all of the things I still want to do with and for my children, and how I do not have enough time to do them all before we go. There is part of me that is straining against the inevitable, part of me that is screaming...
Yet…
I am so excited to see what God is going to do on this trip! The lives He is going to touch, the hearts He is going to change, the lasting impact He is going to have. We are going to see Him do some incredible things! Not just for the beautiful people that we are going to serve, but for us as well. I know that I will come back different. I will be blessed by this experience and hopefully it will cure that tunnel vision of mine and help me be able to take a step back and just breathe in the moments that really matter.
As I sit in bed writing this, I am surrounded by my sleeping children. I look at these precious people, resting peacefully and I can’t help but wonder if this is the last time I will see this. I am not a pessimist and I prefer the optimistic perspective, however, there is always the reality that we never know when our time will come. We never know, from moment to moment, which will be our last. We are not promised tomorrow. So as I watch their chests rise and fall while they lie sleeping, blissfully oblivious to world around them, I thank God for each one of them, and for this moment. I pray for comfort and peace for them while we are away. I pray for joy and fun memories to fill their days. I pray that I will be useful on this trip. I pray for protection for our whole family. I pray that I will be able to have many more moments like these when I get back. Most of all I pray for His will in our lives.
Lord, speak to my heart through the chaos of emotions. Quiet my mind and open my ears that I may hear the still small voice. Give me courage to step out in obedience. Give me faith to take the leaps. Let this trip be a good experience for them as well. I pray that they will grow in faith as they fully trust in you to take care of them while we are away. Lord, comfort our hearts with the knowledge that you are sovereign, you love us fiercely, you have great plans for each one of us and you are faithful to see them through. Let us rest in the comfort of being held safely in your hands. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
It is time to finish the packing, notarize the wills, get groceries for the kids, and nail down all the last minute details. We are at the point of no return, so as 10 would say…
or in Spanish…
“Vamonos!” ^_^
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