-The lies-
At first, I felt like this was some kind of punishment for something wrong with me. I spent so much energy and so many hours painstakingly combing through everything I have done in the last 8 years. Every choice; every dime spent; every minute wasted... everything. Trying desperately to figure out all that I had done wrong. I wanted to repent and ask forgiveness for it, as if that would magically fix things the way we hoped they would be.
I wanted so badly to take back any wrong thing I had done; to make up for any short coming in me or my actions/ability that had led us here.
-The Truth-
I know in my heart that God isn't like that. He doesn't keep a record of our wrongs so He can gleefully punish us for them later on. He loves us. He wants to set us free from all of those chains.
Yet I struggled to push out the lies that were trying to separate me from my hope in God.
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-The Lies-
In my mind, all of those old recordings of every person's words that had told me I was a "failure"; I was "worthless"; I "couldn't do anything right"; it is somehow "my fault"; that for one reason or another "I deserved this", played on a continuous loop. I was sick with the feeling that my children were going to have to give up everything, their home; their things; sports; their new friends; their way of life... and it was my fault.
-The Truth-
God has replaced those old lies with His truth that I am His beloved daughter. I am valuable. I am precious to Him. He sees me as so much more than my stumbling and weaknesses. He sees me not in who I have or haven't been, but in who He knows I can be.
Still, the world and the enemy go back to that mire and dredge up all of the things they can find to try and smother God's purpose and plan.
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-The Lies-
Then there was the guilt. Guilt for not being filled with joy in my gratitude for this incredible gift of love these families have given us. There was guilt and shame for grieving the loss of all that seemed to be ending when I "should" have been rejoicing in this new opportunity to start over.
-The Truth-
In the end, who knows what God will bring about, a new house, the money to keep this one, at this time we don't yet know where this path leads. What we are walking through at this stage of the process is the end of a chapter and the end sometimes feels very much like a loss. As humans, we grieve loss, we lament endings, even when we know a new beginning awaits, and feeling the loss is okay. Sometimes we have to grieve before we can rejoice. I did not have instant peace in making this decision and I didn't have time to wait for it before I decided. I took my husband's hand, I closed my eyes, and we took a leap. I may not have peace yet, and that is okay. I am praying for it, and I know that one day, it will come.
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-The Lies-
There were some things said to us, meant not in judgement, that left us feeling as though we were being judged. We felt misunderstood and frustrated. We felt guilty for feeling the loss of this chapter in our lives because that somehow seemed to imply that we cared more about our "things" than making a change. We felt ashamed that we had agreed to be helped because, throughout the years others have blessed us and we still ended up here, which meant we were just trying to get what we could and go on living "irresponsibly".
-The Truth-
We did the best we could with the hand we were dealt. Sure, we made our share of mistakes. I have no doubt that money was wasted on foolish things or that we could have done better in some areas, but we learned from those mistakes. Waste taught us that what things were worth our time and money. Excess taught us the value of moderation. Instant gratification taught us the value of waiting for the right time to have the things we want.
God knows our hearts. We don't long for riches, or honestly, even our house and things. That isn't why we feel this sense of grief.
Even though we have had to struggle, fight and scrape to maintain our lifestyle, we have never felt like it wasn't a good enough life for us. We felt extremely blessed to have a home, quirks, flaws and all. We have shelter to keep us dry. A wood stove, clothing and blankets to keep us warm. Food to eat. Beds to sleep in. Cars to drive and gas so we can get where we need to go. We have a crazy amount of "extras", things we wanted, but aren't needs, that we have been blessed with over the years.
Juggling bills to keep it all going, sacrificing other things so our kids could have all of the incredible benefits and life-lessons that they have gained from sports, dance and home schooling, it was all worth it to us. We are investing in our children. In their future. In who they will become. We want to be able to see our children continue to grow in the incredible ways that they have over the last few years and those extra things like sports, or me staying home with them, those things have played a big part in that.
-The Truth-
We know that we are richly blessed, even in this, and we are so, so thankful for that. We didn't want more money or less hardship so we could store up wealth on earth, we longed to be able to bless other people who are struggling. We want to be able to give tangible, practical support to others. We want to be able to pay forward all that God has done for us.
We will not be held captive to these lies in this journey, we will embrace the truth that God sees, even if it we have to fight for it. <3
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