This is the part of our story I have wrestled with sharing. It is that part that, if not perfectly worded, could be seriously misunderstood. I hope that I am able to adequately convey my heart here...
We were thankful and blessed on one hand, and completely crushed on the other.
That is the thing about hoping... it creates the opportunity for disappointment and hurt when our hopes are not perfectly in line with God's plan. When we hope for something, we have to be open to hearing "no" and to the possibility of the answer being totally different than what we thought it would look like. Therein lies the struggle with our all-too-human nature. We tend to want what we want when we want it. Anything less can be disappointing at best and devastating at worst.
We had been hoping and praying that God would make a way for us to keep our home.
See, our income is limited, so we cannot afford rent at the current rates. House prices have gone up considerably, so selling our home and buying another one would, at least on paper, cost us a lot more. Owning this home, at least the monthly payment part of owning it, is half the cost of what our rent for a family of 5 would be. So when the bank gave us the option of paying half of the past due now and making 1 1/2 times our standard monthly payment for 6 months to be completely caught up, we thought this was our answer. We had half of what they were asking for up front, all we needed was the other half! We were so close to being able to save our home!
So again, we prayed for God to bring us the money.
Two incredibly kind, generous and compassionate families came forward to help us out. They had the full amount that we needed to be completely caught up and end the foreclosure now without having to make the increased payments. With one condition...
We sell our home.
Because of the deadline, given by the bank on their offer, on November 18th 2016 we had a few short hours to decide if we were going to accept this generous offer, including the condition that we list our home for sale by the end of January, or keep working with the bank to figure out what other options we might have.
I hung up the phone and fell to my knees. There was a war raging inside me.
I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that anyone would be willing to do something so great for us. To make such a big sacrifice financially. To take the chance on us. They believed in us. That we were honestly seeking to improve our financial situation. That we were doing the best we could. That we were worth investing in.
Yet...
My heart was screaming "No! This can't be happening! This isn't what we prayed for!" I cried out to God. I asked "Why?!" I told him this wasn't what we had been hoping and believing for as a family. I was crushed. I was heart sick. I was devastated. I was torn.
People were willing to give more than I ever would have asked or dreamed of to help us save our investment in our home... but we were still going to lose our home.
I felt blindsided and rushed and completely confused.
In tears, I called my husband and conveyed the offer. He quietly processed what I had just told him and said he would pray about it and call me back.
I called my mother and asked her to pray. I told her how I was feeling. She told me that this was a blessing. We would not have to lose all of the equity we had in our home to foreclosure. She said she thought we should accept the offer, put the house in God's hands, and see where He takes us. She encouraged me that even if we ended up selling our home, that God had another one for us.
This, this right here, is the hardest part of having "faith".
It is seeing all of the odds, stacked so high against you that you cannot see over or even around them, and choosing to hope for the "impossible" instead of accepting the "reality".
I have talked about how much I struggle to believe for anything good for myself. I can believe for the most incredible things for others, but for myself?...
If the world has shown us anything, it is that we will never get ahead. Every time we get a leg up, we are thrown back down, and kicked while we are there.
But God...
No comments:
Post a Comment