Sometimes I Feel So Lost and Helpless...

and really... I am.

There are moments of indirection, when I am completely lost. There are times when I am afraid. There are days when I feel utterly hopeless and thoroughly confused. BUT... God is always there for me. I do not have to face it alone.

See, it is typically my first inclination to F.R.E.A.K. O.U.T. when one of life's storms arises and try to do whatever I can, whatever it takes, to fix it. My initial response is usually fear. Then I tend to turn into a rabid-archaeologist-of-destruction and dig up all those old dusty recordings of everything I have ever done wrong and replay them, ad nauseam, in some meaningless form of self-flagellation that is meant to ensure my understanding that whatever is happening is surely my fault and well deserved. Let's be real, sometimes it is. Y'all, I do some really stupid things from time to time, even in my best intentions I can make one heck of a M.E.S.S. BUT, sometimes it isn't my fault. Sometimes it is no one's fault. Sometimes, crap.just.happens. Yet, it is only when I finally feel so beaten down and broken that I finally cry out to God. It can take minutes or it can take days, either way it is time woefully wasted.

I don't know why my first instinct is not to reject all of that rubbish and simply run to Him. Maybe it is my fear of hearing Him say that all of those things I have believed about myself are true. Maybe it is the fear that He will leave me in my mess because what I am facing is exactly what I deserve. Maybe it is panic rooted on some level in the pride of thinking "I can fix this"... It may just be a combination of all three. Regardless, it is not the response I desire to have. I want my first response to be to run to my Father, snot-sniffling-puffy-eyed-ugly-cry and all, and just fall into the safety of His embrace. I don't want to beat myself up and hate myself for all of the foolish things I have done in my own folly. I want to be able to say "I am sorry" for doing things my way and ask for forgiveness and help because the truth is...

I can't do any of this on my own.

 There is nothing I can do on my own to "miracle" my circumstances better. There is no "quick fix" or "easy answer". The giant I am facing cannot be conquered without His help. Even when it is my own mess, and maybe especially when it is my own mess, I don't have what it takes to clean it up by myself. I don't have the knowledge or ability. I need His wisdom, His guidance and His help.

He is always there, waiting patiently, for me to come to Him and simply ask. <3

Sometimes I feel so, so lost and helpless, and really... I am.

But You are there for me, Father. You walk with me. You watch over me. You carry me when I can't walk. You are my shelter in the storms of life. You don't get mad at me when I am afraid or when doubt and uncertainty creep in. Instead, You take me in Your arms, You look me in the eyes and You gently remind me that I am not alone and I can trust You. You don't chastise me for all the things I have done wrong; You make me feel safe. You don't shame me in my weakness; You give me strength, courage and hope. Without You, I am nothing. Without You, I am exactly what the world says I am. BUT with You, I can become so much more. You give me purpose; You give me dreams; You give me gifts so that I can do something good for someone else. Me, this girl who cannot fix her messes on her own... You use me for good. You make something of value from these ashes and You make a way for my life to bring glory to Your name.

Thank you, Father, for who you are.

Thank you for loving me, just as I am, yet enough to help me become something more.