"What Do You Mean 'God Will Provide'?"

I had someone ask me, the other day, "What do you mean 'God will provide?"

I often take for granted my experiences where the Lord has provided when we could not. I forget that maybe other people might not have had that experience and that my saying that, may sound crazy. 

See we have had countless examples of God providing for us in both practical and miraculous ways. So, when we talk about God providing, we know that there are no limits or rules to what He can do or how He can do it. 

Naturally it doesn't mean that we don't do our part to provide for ourselves, but in recognizing that what "we" provide is actually coming from our Heavenly Father, we get to see the bigger picture of all that He does for us. 

For example, my husband would not have the income he has if God had not created the opportunity. It all began with giving his all at a job that not only paid far less than we needed, but in an environment where his hard work and dedication wasn't truly valued or appreciated. The disappointing work environment and Steve's desire to do his part to provide for the needs of our family is what led him to go back to college, full time, while working full time. 

He worked hard to earn that degree so he could in turn find better employment opportunities. Even when he got laid off from that job, which was a huge financial blow to our family, it was a blessing in disguise. He was able to complete his unpaid internship, which was required for him to graduate, and he received an outstanding letter of recommendation in the process.

He got his Bachelor's degree and began applying for jobs. It felt so discouraging to see him applying for job after job, knowing his education, certifications and experience more than qualified him, and yet no offers came. 

How is that a blessing, you might ask... Well, God had given him favor with the company that he did his internship for. Not only did they not have any open positions available at the time he completed his internship, it wasn't even in the budget to create one. However, one month later, he got a call from them, telling him that they valued the work he did so highly that they created a position for him and found a way to work his salary into the budget! The income wasn't what we needed or were hoping for, but it was a great place to start. The company had a history of being loyal to it's employees and it would be good experience. 

If he had not had the opportunity at that time, to take that unpaid internship, he would not have gotten that job and he would not have met the man who referred him to his new job, where he is finally making enough money for us to start saving and be able to help others! 

So when I say "God will provide", I am saying it knowing that He always has and He always will. It may not come in the package we expect it to come in, and it may not be exactly what we were asking for, but it is always good. 

We learned a lot in this season of limited finances about what to invest our money in, how to be grateful for what we have even when we don't know where our next meal is coming from and how we want to handle our money going forward now that we will be in a position to use it to help others who are struggling.

Saying "God will provide" doesn't mean sit back and wait for Him to do it all for you, it means do what you can, do what He has called you to do, and trust Him for the rest. 

It means discovering that what might seem like a curse is actually a blessing.

It means that no matter how BIG or impossible it may seem, God is not limited by our ability, or our circumstances, He can do anything!

It means not shying away from asking for the HUGE things or assuming that He doesn't care about the little things. Our Father loves us dearly and desires to give us GOOD gifts. Nothing is too big or small for God. 

Ask.
Seek.
Trust.

He is faithful to provide.

Be blessed, y'all. <3

In the Middle of the Storm...

I can find rest. More than that, I can find joy.

This Christmas was an incredible one.

We went into the Christmas season knowing that we would not be going on any "fun trips" or shopping for gifts to surprise our children with on Christmas morning. We would, instead, begin sorting through all of our worldly possessions to pack up what we would be keeping, donate what we wouldn't, and prepare our home to be listed for sale. 

We would be doing all of this with no idea of what the outcome would be. 

We don't yet know if the house will sell, or how long it will take. We don't even know how much we can sell it for. We don't know if there will be anything to put in the bank when it is all said and done, or if we will just break even. We don't know where we will be going to live. We don't know if we will be renting or buying. We don't know if we can even afford to do either. 

All we know is that God is GOOD. Even in this, God is GOOD.

So, we are moving forward, taking one step at a time, putting our trust and hope in His goodness and letting Him do the rest. 

In the midst of this struggle, in the chaos of it all, God is the calm. He is in control and He knows our needs. He has a plan for us. A good plan. And this Christmas He gave us several examples of just how much He loves us.

This "season of blessings" began with our church asking us if we wanted to be included in this year's "Giving Tree". We asked for some time to pray about it as a family. See, we usually have each of our children pick a name off of the tree and they get to pick out the "perfect gift" to match that child's need. This year, our children would be on that tree. 

We don't usually have a big Christmas, gift wise. We get the kids each one thing they want and something to wear, so not having a real budget for their Christmas gifts this year wasn't going to have that much of an impact. Yes, they did have a few needs, clothing wise, and of course a few wants. ;) We decided that we would accept this incredible opportunity, not just to "have presents under the tree" for our kids, but for our children to personally experience God's provision in their lives. 

So, we filled out the form, answering questions about their clothing needs, with sizes and color preferences, and their interests/hobbies with a "want" or two as options and we turned our information in to the church. 

We were back and fourth on whether or not we should buy a gift for one of the precious children on the tree even though our children were included, but ultimately, we felt that we were being called to continue to give, even though we didn't have the funds to give to 3 children this year. So the kids chose the tag they wanted to shop for and we set off to bless that precious child as much as we could. 

It's funny how God works all things for the good of His children. We hunted and hunted for the perfect gifts for the child on our tag. We were able to get twice as much as we expected with the money we had. The kids each got to pick out a couple things for each need listed on the tag. It was such a blessing to see God multiply the money we had, to provide even more than we imagined we could. 



We received the gifts for our children the week before Christmas and placed them under the tree along with gifts from their grandparents. 

On Christmas eve, we had the awesome opportunity to take our children to a local park and serve an amazing Christmas dinner to the homeless in our community. It was such a wonderful experience. Seeing our community come together to make such an incredible meal, provide gift bags with little things that most of us wouldn't even think about, and bless our brothers and sisters who don't even have so many of the things we all take for granted was beautiful to see. Seeing our children learning how to show love to those they don't even know without judgement, in the way Jesus asked us to serve, was a gift I could not have given them on my own without the hearts of the incredible group of people who work tirelessly throughout the week to provide meals, free laundry services, socks, hats, tents, blankets, sleeping bags and mats and so much more. They are an example of what loving others truly looks like.

On Christmas morning, our kids were blessed in the most incredible way. Not only did they receive some of the things they had hoped for from their grandparents, but every single need and want listed on the church form was provided and in a BIG way. Everything they were given was beyond anything we expected or would have asked for and to top it off, the amazing people from our church blessed us with gift cards to take kids out to dinner, a movie, a gas card and a grocery card. God even blessed us with money we needed as gifts from family.

In every way, this Christmas, was beyond anything we have ever experienced before and none of it came as a result of our own planning or trying. It all came from our Father who loves us and delights in giving us good gifts. He showed our children what loving others looks like and He provided the opportunity for them to learn how to serve. He multiplied the money we had so He could bless another child. He put it on the hearts of those who blessed us to go above and beyond anything we could have expected. He blessed our children through the love of their grandparents. He blessed us through the love of our parents and His amazing provision for our children. 

The love shown to our family, through family, through the church and from God will never be something we will forget. Our children will always remember what God did for our family this Christmas and will forever have the experience of seeing Him provide for all of their needs and even their wants. 

Y'all, we have a Father that loves us deeply and fiercely and there are no limits to His goodness. <3

Be blessed, y'all.

God CAN Do Anything...

This is the moment that we all face at some point in our walk with the Lord.

This is the "put up or shut up" moment.

Do I really believe what I profess?

Do I believe that God is GOOD?
Do I believe that He has a plan for us to prosper us and not to harm us?
Do I believe that He can do anything?
Do I believe that He loves us?
Do I believe that He only gives good gifts?

Is the God of the Bible my God or have I placed things before Him? Am I content to lose everything and have nothing left but Him?

Well, do I? Am I?

I know that I want to be, but am I really there?

"Faith is believing that what you hope for will happen."

What am I hoping for?

My plans, or God's?

That is the real question.

In the beginning, I was hoping for my plans. I was hoping my plans and God's were in alignment. I mean, why would He want to put us in what looks like a MUCH worse financial situation? Surely He wouldn't. So why are we here?!

We are here to walk through the "fire". To proclaim that our hope is in the Lord alone and that regardless of the outcome, He is good. We are here for our faith to be built. 

As I was fighting back tears while trying to put into words how broken and ashamed I feel that I can have such great faith for others but not for myself when I know that God is good, a very wise man told me, that it is because I am not on the other side yet. Then he told me a story. One that I have heard and read at least a thousand times, but somehow managed to miss one very important detail... it wasn't about pre-existing faith, it was about the building of faith.

In the Bible, in the book of Daniel, chapter 3, is the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Every time I have read this story, I have marveled at their faith. 17:"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand." They faced being burned alive in fires of a furnace for not compromising their beliefs, and they stood tall and held on to God and did not bow to idols of the king. I have longed to believe, as they did, that if I had to step, or be thrown, into that furnace, I would be okay because the Lord would protect me. I was completely in awe of how unwavering their faith was. 

What I missed was this:

18:"But even if He does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that w will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

They continue on declaring their resolve and refusal to yield to the king's demands, but that isn't the part I missed. It's those first six words... "But even if He does not...". In verse 17 they weren't stating their belief that God would save them from the fire, they were declaring their faith and hope in His ability to do so. Those are two very different things. 

They didn't know from experience that He would save them. They simply believed that He could. 

The man telling me this story told me that I am where they were. I am standing before this furnace, not knowing what/if God is going to do, all I can do is declare my faith in what He can do and stand firm in my resolve to declare His goodness regardless of the outcome. 

My faith, my ability to believe that God will, is being built. I don't have to be there yet. For now I can rest in simply knowing that He can.

Walking by Faith

Being a "doer", a person of action, who has contingency plans for the contingency plans, one of the hardest things to do has been to accept and embrace "not knowing". 

I am powerless to stop this. There is nothing I can do, in my own strength or of my own accord, to change what is happening. All I can change is how I respond to it.

I am utterly helpless.

The world would tell me that means I am hopeless, but God is telling me that this is exactly where I need to be so that He can show me something new.

---

Knowing that we would one day be going on a long-term mission, we had planned on eventually renting/selling our home and narrowing down our belongings to only the most "important" things. We felt no sorrow or even stress about setting all of that aside to do what we felt called to do. But this... this was not what we expected. We weren't even considering doing any of that for a few years. Selling our home and getting rid of everything now was not what we had been hoping and praying for. 

We were completely blindsided by this. For many weeks I felt like I was drowning. Breathing felt hard. Smiling was even harder. Joy seemed distant. For the first time in my life, hope felt so incredibly elusive. All I could do was cry out to God. I asked Him to forgive me in my unbelief, to help me to hope, to keep my heart focused on all that I am grateful for instead of wallowing in everything it felt like we were losing. 

I can't tell you how many hours I spent trying to figure out what I could do to try and raise money, to increase our income, to dig us out of this mess. I started to rehash all of the shoulda, coulda, woulda, choices and mistakes, but what was the point? It wasn't going to help anything, it just left me feeling more like a failure and less like there was hope on the horizon. 

At the same time, I was trying to figure out what step to take next. How do we go about selling our home? Can we refinance instead? Do we qualify to buy another home? Where are we going to live with rent being so high? How am I going to fix everything that needs to be fixed so I can even show this house? What about sorting and packing? How am I going to find the time to get all of this done while home schooling and still continuing our volunteer commitments? 

We started considering stepping down from all of our commitments. With my husband working long hours, I will be doing the majority of the packing and prepping the house on my own, so we began to feel like we had to cut out everything else and just focus on this. Which, honestly, left me feeling more bleak about the foreseeable future. 

I didn't want every second of my life to be consumed with just this. I wanted to keep those things that bring joy and fulfillment. 

We had also been discussing our financial plan for the immediate future with some people whose wisdom and advice we deeply respect. The plan was to save every penny we could. That meant cutting as much spending as possible, including any additional charitable giving we were doing on top of our tithing. We don't give much above tithing because there isn't much to give, but we didn't want to commit to not giving if God put it on our hearts to do so.

In both of these these things, serving and giving, we felt conflicted. There were pros to stopping both, but what weighed more heavily on our hearts was were we following God's plan? 

We prayed and asked God what we were supposed to do about our Community Group that meets at our house once a week. We didn't want to quit, this was something God had called us to do and He hadn't told us to stop. Yet, we didn't want to just up and abandon them the moment the house sold. So, we asked God if it was time to set the group aside. While others were telling us that maybe we need to do less, we are trying to do too much, we asked God and we heard one word... "stay". 

What did that mean? Were we supposed to keep leading the group? How were we going to make that commitment and have our home available to show?

On top of all of this there is Christmas. The holidays are coming and instead of spending time as a family enjoying the season, and possibly our last Christmas in the only home our kids remember, we were going to be sorting out what things mattered enough to put them in storage and getting rid of the rest.

I was burned out and at the end of my ability to figure anything out. 

So, we prayed about it. We asked for direction. And He answered.

The grace of God met me there, in that place of exhaustion and confusion...

God is a good Father. He doesn't leave us alone and afraid, or wandering aimlessly. He sends us little reminders of His love and lets us know that He is with us and that His plans for us are good.

A woman of incredible faith came over to us at church, moments after I had been praying and asking God to help me; to show me what to do. She told us that God knows. That He has seen our hearts to serve others. That we give, of our time, our talents, out of what we have and even what we don't have. That we have done everything we could, creatively and with our own ability, to bring income into our home. He said that we are to continue to serve, to continue to give, even out of our lack, and that was where He would bless us. He said it was time for us to rest in letting Him bring income to our family. It was no longer our burden.

I can't tell you how much I needed to hear this from Him. His timing was perfect. 

I felt peace and hope for the future for the first time since we made this decision. Just knowing these two simple things, that we were to keep serving and giving, gave me some sense of direction and that gave me a measure of peace in the unknown. 

Hearing Him say that we have done all we could and that we were released from the burden of having to "make the finances better" took so much pressure off of our shoulders. 

He knew that we tried. He knew that we did our best. He wasn't disappointed with us. He was giving us a break. He was letting us rest in His hands while He takes care of the next part.

For the first time in weeks, I don't feel like I'm being crushed under the weight of this thing. For the first time I don't feel overwhelmed. 

God isn't Like the World...

He is so much better!

He is full of love, mercy, grace... He does not seek to harm His children, He plans the best for them.

Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

---

That is a verse I have held onto for the last couple years as we have worked to improve our circumstances. Some verses stick with you for a season and are replaced by new ones when the season changes. This one has become our "home", so to speak.

In every endeavor, at every crossroad, when we had to make decisions or take leaps of faith, we would go back to this verse. Or rather, it would come back to us. We have had so many different people call us or tell us that this verse is for us, without knowing anything about what we were walking through at the time. 

Jeremiah 29:11 has been a constant reminder that God's plan for us is good, even when we don't know what it is and can't begin to see the outcome of it. Now, more than ever before, this verse is being sown into our souls. I don't think that this verse will ever leave us. This verse, I feel, will be the testimony of our lives.

---

I have found that it is in our times of struggle when we find ourselves caught up in a battle between what the world wants us to believe and what God wants us to believe.

The world has told me that we are not only prisoners to our circumstances, but it has shown me that we deserve whatever bad befalls us. Every time I have found myself in a valley, people have told me that all of it... all of the mess, is somehow my fault. I have done something wrong somewhere along the way, or not done something good enough and all of the resulting strife is a burden that I created simply by being... me.

God tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That His creation, mankind, myself included, is not just good, but very good. He says that I have a purpose for which I was created and that only I am uniquely equipped to fulfill. He tells me that He has great plans for me and that He will prosper me so I can bless others. He says, that in the end, my life will glorify His name, not bring it dishonor.

God is not like the world. 

He does not beat us up over all of our mistakes. He does not hold us hostage to our failings and short comings. Instead, He lifts us up out of them. He brushes us off. He cleans us up. He carries us when we cannot walk. He crushes the lies and judgments, of the enemy and of this world, in His mighty hand as if they were dust. He gives us a new name, a new identity, new truths that tell us who we really are. 

We don't have to be defined as the world sees us, we can be as The Creator of everything GOOD sees us. 

The War Between Truth and Lies...

As we began this journey of faith, I found myself laying awake most nights struggling to reconcile what the world was telling me with what God was telling me. It sounds like it should be so easy to just put aside all of the lies and rest in God's truth, and sometimes, it is. Yet, sometimes it is all that I can do just to try and hold onto His truth. 

-The lies-

At first, I felt like this was some kind of punishment for something wrong with me. I spent so much energy and so many hours painstakingly combing through everything I have done in the last 8 years. Every choice; every dime spent; every minute wasted... everything. Trying desperately to figure out all that I had done wrong. I wanted to repent and ask forgiveness for it, as if that would magically fix things the way we hoped they would be. 

I wanted so badly to take back any wrong thing I had done; to make up for any short coming in me or my actions/ability that had led us here. 

-The Truth-

I know in my heart that God isn't like that. He doesn't keep a record of our wrongs so He can gleefully punish us for them later on. He loves us. He wants to set us free from all of those chains. 

Yet I struggled to push out the lies that were trying to separate me from my hope in God. 

---

-The Lies-

In my mind, all of those old recordings of every person's words that had told me I was a "failure"; I was "worthless"; I "couldn't do anything right"; it is somehow "my fault"; that for one reason or another "I deserved this", played on a continuous loop. I was sick with the feeling that my children were going to have to give up everything, their home; their things; sports; their new friends; their way of life... and it was my fault. 

-The Truth-

God has replaced those old lies with His truth that I am His beloved daughter. I am valuable. I am precious to Him. He sees me as so much more than my stumbling and weaknesses. He sees me not in who I have or haven't been, but in who He knows I can be. 

Still, the world and the enemy go back to that mire and dredge up all of the things they can find to try and smother God's purpose and plan.

---

-The Lies-

Then there was the guilt. Guilt for not being filled with joy in my gratitude for this incredible gift of love these families have given us. There was guilt and shame for grieving the loss of all that seemed to be ending when I "should" have been rejoicing in this new opportunity to start over.

-The Truth-

In the end, who knows what God will bring about, a new house, the money to keep this one, at this time we don't yet know where this path leads. What we are walking through at this stage of the process is the end of a chapter and the end sometimes feels very much like a loss. As humans, we grieve loss, we lament endings, even when we know a new beginning awaits, and feeling the loss is okay. Sometimes we have to grieve before we can rejoice. I did not have instant peace in making this decision and I didn't have time to wait for it before I decided. I took my husband's hand, I closed my eyes, and we took a leap. I may not have peace yet, and that is okay. I am praying for it, and I know that one day, it will come. 

---

-The Lies-

There were some things said to us, meant not in judgement, that left us feeling as though we were being judged. We felt misunderstood and frustrated. We felt guilty for feeling the loss of this chapter in our lives because that somehow seemed to imply that we cared more about our "things" than making a change. We felt ashamed that we had agreed to be helped because, throughout the years others have blessed us and we still ended up here, which meant we were just trying to get what we could and go on living "irresponsibly". 

-The Truth-

We did the best we could with the hand we were dealt. Sure, we made our share of mistakes. I have no doubt that money was wasted on foolish things or that we could have done better in some areas, but we learned from those mistakes. Waste taught us that what things were worth our time and money. Excess taught us the value of moderation. Instant gratification taught us the value of waiting for the right time to have the things we want. 

God knows our hearts. We don't long for riches, or honestly, even our house and things. That isn't why we feel this sense of grief.

Even though we have had to struggle, fight and scrape to maintain our lifestyle, we have never felt like it wasn't a good enough life for us. We felt extremely blessed to have a home, quirks, flaws and all. We have shelter to keep us dry. A wood stove, clothing and blankets to keep us warm. Food to eat. Beds to sleep in. Cars to drive and gas so we can get where we need to go. We have a crazy amount of "extras", things we wanted, but aren't needs, that we have been blessed with over the years. 

Juggling bills to keep it all going, sacrificing other things so our kids could have all of the incredible benefits and life-lessons that they have gained from sports, dance and home schooling, it was all worth it to us. We are investing in our children. In their future. In who they will become. We want to be able to see our children continue to grow in the incredible ways that they have over the last few years and those extra things like sports, or me staying home with them, those things have played a big part in that.

-The Truth-

We know that we are richly blessed, even in this, and we are so, so thankful for that. We didn't want more money or less hardship so we could store up wealth on earth, we longed to be able to bless other people who are struggling. We want to be able to give tangible, practical support to others. We want to be able to pay forward all that God has done for us.

We will not be held captive to these lies in this journey, we will embrace the truth that God sees, even if it we have to fight for it. <3

It is a Funny Thing...

Hoping for one thing and getting something totally different.

This is the part of our story I have wrestled with sharing. It is that part that, if not perfectly worded, could be seriously misunderstood. I hope that I am able to adequately convey my heart here...

We were thankful and blessed on one hand, and completely crushed on the other. 

That is the thing about hoping... it creates the opportunity for disappointment and hurt when our hopes are not perfectly in line with God's plan. When we hope for something, we have to be open to hearing "no" and to the possibility of the answer being totally different than what we thought it would look like. Therein lies the struggle with our all-too-human nature. We tend to want what we want when we want it. Anything less can be disappointing at best and devastating at worst. 

We had been hoping and praying that God would make a way for us to keep our home. 

See, our income is limited, so we cannot afford rent at the current rates. House prices have gone up considerably, so selling our home and buying another one would, at least on paper, cost us a lot more. Owning this home, at least the monthly payment part of owning it, is half the cost of what our rent for a family of 5 would be. So when the bank gave us the option of paying half of the past due now and making 1 1/2 times our standard monthly payment for 6 months to be completely caught up, we thought this was our answer. We had half of what they were asking for up front, all we needed was the other half! We were so close to being able to save our home!

So again, we prayed for God to bring us the money.

Two incredibly kind, generous and compassionate families came forward to help us out. They had the full amount that we needed to be completely caught up and end the foreclosure now without having to make the increased payments. With one condition...

We sell our home.

Because of the deadline, given by the bank on their offer, on November 18th 2016 we had a few short hours to decide if we were going to accept this generous offer, including the condition that we list our home for sale by the end of January, or keep working with the bank to figure out what other options we might have.

I hung up the phone and fell to my knees. There was a war raging inside me.

I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that anyone would be willing to do something so great for us. To make such a big sacrifice financially. To take the chance on us. They believed in us. That we were honestly seeking to improve our financial situation. That we were doing the best we could. That we were worth investing in. 

Yet...

My heart was screaming "No! This can't be happening! This isn't what we prayed for!" I cried out to God. I asked "Why?!" I told him this wasn't what we had been hoping and believing for as a family. I was crushed. I was heart sick. I was devastated. I was torn.

People were willing to give more than I ever would have asked or dreamed of to help us save our investment in our home... but we were still going to lose our home.

I felt blindsided and rushed and completely confused.

In tears, I called my husband and conveyed the offer. He quietly processed what I had just told him and said he would pray about it and call me back. 

I called my mother and asked her to pray. I told her how I was feeling. She told me that this was a blessing. We would not have to lose all of the equity we had in our home to foreclosure. She said she thought we should accept the offer, put the house in God's hands, and see where He takes us. She encouraged me that even if we ended up selling our home, that God had another one for us.

This, this right here, is the hardest part of having "faith".

It is seeing all of the odds, stacked so high against you that you cannot see over or even around them, and choosing to hope for the "impossible" instead of accepting the "reality". 

I have talked about how much I struggle to believe for anything good for myself. I can believe for the most incredible things for others, but for myself?... 

If the world has shown us anything, it is that we will never get ahead. Every time we get a leg up, we are thrown back down, and kicked while we are there. 

But God...

How Did This Happen?

Slowly over time as the ground beneath us eroded. That is how it happened.

I have talked openly about some of the emotional and mental abuse I wrestled with in my formative years. I have shared my journey of learning to love myself for who I am and right where I am at.

See, I was told, by so many people, over so many years, that nothing I did would ever be good enough. I was a failure. I was stupid. I was a mistake. I shouldn't have been born and should probably just die so others don't have to be around me. I knew, because so many people told me, that everything bad that happened was clearly my fault. At the very least, it was because of some ineptitude in me.

Those experiences have been the source of two of my greatest struggles.

1. Believing that I am worth anything.
2. Hoping for anything good for myself.

I do not keep it a secret that I am a Christian. That means that I believe in the God of the Bible; the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and that they are one. I believe that Jesus became man so that He could take our place, receive the punishment for our sins, even though He was sinless, and set us free from the pain, the suffering, the bondage, the shame and condemnation of sin, both committed by us and against us by others, and restore us to the life, purpose, future and eternity that God had originally planned for us. I also believe that we have an enemy, Satan, and that He wants to see us destroyed by the power of sin.

Let me just say this... He knows our weaknesses. He delights in exploiting them. He knows that if he can take away our identity in Christ, he can keep us from our destiny. So, he goes about, tempting us with the things he knows we struggle with, hurting us with the wounds that have been created in us, and distracting us from God's good plan for us with lies and temptation.

He knows my struggles and he brings them up every time I face a mountain.

So back to where I left off...

We have struggled financially for 13 1/2 years. There have been ups and downs. There have been times of lack and times of getting by. There have been a few brief seasons of surplus. In all of these seasons we have known that we were blessed. That we had more than many. That we were taken care of by a God who loves us. We have faced foreclosure several times and God has made a way each time.

This time, the outcome is a little different.

Before, we were always able to keep our home. God made a way for us to stay. This time, we are learning about letting go and a deeper sacrifice than we have ever known.

We juggled, shifted and scraped to keep afloat for so many years. God always filled in the gaps where we couldn't. This time, the gaps were too big for our tax return, and nothing we could do on our own could fill them. We were facing foreclosure and we didn't have the money, or means to come up with the money, to stop it.

So, we reached out and asked for prayer and we prayed. 

We asked God for the money.

Our prayer was answered, just not in the way we expected.

I'm Not Sure What to Say...

So please excuse the rambling...

I have been debating for some weeks whether or not to publish this and when I should publish this if I do. Since you are reading this, clearly I have decided to "pull the trigger", so to speak.

Y'all know I believe in openness, honesty and transparency, even when it hurts... and really, especially when it hurts.

This is one of those life experiences that really hurts.

I have shared some of our story as it relates to finances, but I want to take a moment to elaborate.

When we were young, long before we had kids, we made our share of financial mistakes, so when we found out were going to have a baby, we wanted to really straighten out our finances. We had all these great plans for both of us to work so we could pay our bills on time, we had a budget so we could save, we thought we were going to be on track to "live responsibly".

But then there were complications with the delivery and I was unable to go back to work as soon as I had hoped. My employer declined to work with my physical limitations so I became unemployed.

That wasn't what we had planned for. We never expected we would be trying to live on $10/hr with our new baby. We did what we could to make it work. We got on WIC to help with cost of formula and food. We lived paycheck to paycheck. We juggled shutoff notices. We explored different employment options for me, but with my husband's hours and the cost of childcare, it wouldn't improve our financial situation. We did a LOT of praying, seeking God, asking "Why?" and "What are we supposed to do?".

God's answer came in two parts.

1. Trust Him to provide for what we cannot.
2. Commit to staying home and raising our child(ren).

So we did.

When our son was young, we went through a period when my husband was laid off that was really hard. So, we humbled ourselves and we got help. We went to the food bank for our area and were blessed that they also had clothes and toys so our son could be blessed with his needs and some fun little "wants". At the suggestion of a friend, we signed up for food stamps, and medicaid. While my husband looked for a new job, applying for everything and anything he could find, I took a job, making minimum wage to try and get us by. That was the winter when we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill to prevent it from being shut off. As cold as it was, we had fun cooking on a camp stove and snuggling under a mountain of blankets to keep warm. Thankfully we only had to go without power for a month, so many people face so much worse. As rough as those days felt, that time created the longing in our hearts to be able to one day bless others who are struggling financially.  

Here we were, pregnant with our daughter and my husband having no luck finding employment, no matter how many jobs he applied for. So, he enlisted in the Air Force. He and I had always wanted to serve our country. I had so wanted to honor the example and sacrifices of my grandfathers and uncles. So even though I was not looking forward to all of the time apart and the potential risks, I was happy for and proud of him. It was not meant to be, however. Due to unknown health complications, my husband was discharged from the Air Force and sent home. Once again we had no income. So, the search began for another job. 

He finally found a stable job making $10/hr. that would give him the opportunity for advancement. He worked long, crazy hours and he worked hard to provide for our family and earn promotions. He supervised night shifts and eventually got promoted to days. 

By this time we had 3 children and were renting a house in a nice neighborhood. In spite of his best efforts and several promotions he was still only making $12/hr. and now there were 5 of us to support. Rent was going up. We no longer qualified for food assistance. So we needed a miracle to keep things going.

God came through. Big time.

We looked into buying a home instead of renting because, at the time, much like now, it was cheaper to own than to rent. We couldn't believe it when we qualified to buy a house! We were so excited that we were going to be able to save money on rent! We found a home in a little town in the country that I have always loved and within two hours our offer was accepted. We were going to have our own home. 

Over the years, we have faced many ups and downs financially. No matter how tight we kept our budget, we couldn't seem to build up savings. Even though my husband was excelling at work, his income was not going up enough to match the cost of living increases. The only option we could see for improving our position financially was to put my husband through college. 

We didn't qualify for much in grants so we had to take out loans to cover books and part of tuition. We believed that in the end it would be worth the cost of repaying them so he could have the opportunity for greater income.

So, while he went to college full-time, he also worked full-time. I continued to stay home with our kids, home schooling all 3 of them, because I was still not in a position to offset the cost of childcare with my potential income and with my husband's hours, he could not watch them for me to work. We also still felt very strongly that we should honor our commitment with God to stay home and raise and educate our children, and, honestly, we felt that the sacrifices was worth the investment in our children. 

During his last couple semesters, my husband got laid off again. We had been blessed through the loss of my grandfather, to have some inheritance in the bank. So while he finished up his Bachelor's degree and completed his unpaid internship, we were able to make ends meet. 

It's funny, how life goes. Every time we were blessed to finally have some money in savings, something came along that took it. Each time that happened to us, we struggled to not feel like every time something good came our way, we were kicked back down by something new. It was all we could do to hold on to hope for a better future, that one day we would walk out of this long valley and be able to reach out and offer a hand to other people who were doing the best they could, but still struggling. We made the conscious decision to look at those experiences as provision for what we had not seen coming instead of being robbed of every opportunity to finally get a leg up.

So why am I taking the time to write all of this out? 

Because here we are. Again.

Finally in the position to get ahead, but losing, or rather, "giving up" everything instead.

The Morning After...

There are so many great and fitting "morning after" jokes that are metaphorically applicable today. 

Waking up with horror and disbelief of what happened last night... 
Panic about having to face what happened causing you to try and "run away"...
Looking at the evidence of what happened and wanting to gnaw your own arm off to get away from it...

That is how I feel today, but probably not for the reasons you might expect. I don't feel that way because of who was or wasn't elected. I am ashamed and grieved by who we as a nation have allowed ourselves to become.

It is a funny thing...

We were taught in grade school to mind our manners; to say "please" and "thank you", "yes sir" and "yes ma'am". We were told to treat others with respect, the way we would want to be treated, regardless of our differences or how we have been treated. As adults, we tell children that having tantrums when they don't get their way is not acceptable. We discourage bullying, name calling, resorting to physical violence and gossip/slander. We preach "tolerance".

--- YET ---

When it comes to anyone with a view that is different than ours, (or a candidate that we didn't vote for winning an election), all of those principals and values seem to just fly right out the window. 

People keep asking "What has happened to our country?"

It's simple.

The same rules do not apply to everyone.

Adults are melting down and having full blown tantrums because they did not get their way. They are calling each other all manner of names and making accusations about a person's character with absolutely no evidence to substantiate them. People are disrupting the lives of others, destroying property that does not belong to them, and ending relationships all because they disagree.

If it is not okay for our children to behave in such a manner, HOW is it okay for adults to do so?!

COME ON, PEOPLE!

You want to know "what's wrong" with the United States? THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG.

I don't care who wins an election, you don't get to have a tantrum about it. You don't get to destroy property. You don't get to be disrespectful and abusive to others. 

Not cool, y'all, not cool.

I have voted in 5 elections. The candidate I voted for has not always won. I have never trashed the people who voted differently than myself. I have never destroyed property because I didn't like the outcome. I have never tried to leave my country because I didn't get my way. I have never accused voters on the "other side" of all manner of unseemly things and basically being deplorable people simply because we do not agree on everything. 

It is disappointing, and frankly disgusting, to watch adults being consumed with bitterness and hatred and being so completely destructive and divisive instead of conducting themselves with dignity and showing mature respect for others. 

Who are we teaching the future generations to be? 

We are showing them, with our words and actions, how to treat others. 
We are showing them how to handle disappointment. 
We are showing them how to respond to challenges.

As a mother, I can tell you, they are watching. They are taking it all in. They are learning through observation. But what are they learning?

They are learning to hate anyone who is different than them.
They are learning that they are somehow "superior" and "more valuable" because of their beliefs or political affiliation.
They are learning that difference of opinion isn't an opportunity to learn something, or understand a different perspective. Instead, they are learning that opposing opinions create the opportunity for them to make judgments about others. That slander and defamation of character are good practices, because that's what it is when you call people names and make baseless accusations about the quality of their character.
They are learning that it is okay to be violent and destructive when you don't get what you want or like the way something was done.
They are learning how to use their words to draw blood, to wound others, and to ultimately "go for the kill". 
They are learning that there is no value in relationships apart from what you can get from them because they are to be abandoned when the other person doesn't do what you want.  

They are learning that family and friends are enemies when they don't do/say/think the same way.

Is that really what we want to teach them? 

The morning after isn't the time for negativity, hatred, abuse, violence, further division, and all manner of destructive behaviors. It is the time to reach out a hand and begin to bridge the gap. Instead of continuing the destruction, we need to put on our "big kid undies" and work together for a better future. We need to take responsibility for our future instead of putting all of the responsibility on someone else only to tear them down when they don't meet our expectations. If we want things to be different we have to do them differently. All of us are responsible for change. 

This election has left our nation painfully divided. Now is not the time to drive the stake further, it is the time for healing to begin. That means we need to humble ourselves and apologize for the way we have treated each other. We need to stop trying to "decimate" one another and start respecting each other. Instead of condemning, we need to try to understand. Above all... we need to love. 

We can be better than this.

We need to be better than this.

We need to set the example for future generations.

We need to be the change that we want to see.

No candidate can do that for us.

Be safe. Be kind. Love one another.