It is a Funny Thing...

Hoping for one thing and getting something totally different.

This is the part of our story I have wrestled with sharing. It is that part that, if not perfectly worded, could be seriously misunderstood. I hope that I am able to adequately convey my heart here...

We were thankful and blessed on one hand, and completely crushed on the other. 

That is the thing about hoping... it creates the opportunity for disappointment and hurt when our hopes are not perfectly in line with God's plan. When we hope for something, we have to be open to hearing "no" and to the possibility of the answer being totally different than what we thought it would look like. Therein lies the struggle with our all-too-human nature. We tend to want what we want when we want it. Anything less can be disappointing at best and devastating at worst. 

We had been hoping and praying that God would make a way for us to keep our home. 

See, our income is limited, so we cannot afford rent at the current rates. House prices have gone up considerably, so selling our home and buying another one would, at least on paper, cost us a lot more. Owning this home, at least the monthly payment part of owning it, is half the cost of what our rent for a family of 5 would be. So when the bank gave us the option of paying half of the past due now and making 1 1/2 times our standard monthly payment for 6 months to be completely caught up, we thought this was our answer. We had half of what they were asking for up front, all we needed was the other half! We were so close to being able to save our home!

So again, we prayed for God to bring us the money.

Two incredibly kind, generous and compassionate families came forward to help us out. They had the full amount that we needed to be completely caught up and end the foreclosure now without having to make the increased payments. With one condition...

We sell our home.

Because of the deadline, given by the bank on their offer, on November 18th 2016 we had a few short hours to decide if we were going to accept this generous offer, including the condition that we list our home for sale by the end of January, or keep working with the bank to figure out what other options we might have.

I hung up the phone and fell to my knees. There was a war raging inside me.

I was so overwhelmed with gratitude that anyone would be willing to do something so great for us. To make such a big sacrifice financially. To take the chance on us. They believed in us. That we were honestly seeking to improve our financial situation. That we were doing the best we could. That we were worth investing in. 

Yet...

My heart was screaming "No! This can't be happening! This isn't what we prayed for!" I cried out to God. I asked "Why?!" I told him this wasn't what we had been hoping and believing for as a family. I was crushed. I was heart sick. I was devastated. I was torn.

People were willing to give more than I ever would have asked or dreamed of to help us save our investment in our home... but we were still going to lose our home.

I felt blindsided and rushed and completely confused.

In tears, I called my husband and conveyed the offer. He quietly processed what I had just told him and said he would pray about it and call me back. 

I called my mother and asked her to pray. I told her how I was feeling. She told me that this was a blessing. We would not have to lose all of the equity we had in our home to foreclosure. She said she thought we should accept the offer, put the house in God's hands, and see where He takes us. She encouraged me that even if we ended up selling our home, that God had another one for us.

This, this right here, is the hardest part of having "faith".

It is seeing all of the odds, stacked so high against you that you cannot see over or even around them, and choosing to hope for the "impossible" instead of accepting the "reality". 

I have talked about how much I struggle to believe for anything good for myself. I can believe for the most incredible things for others, but for myself?... 

If the world has shown us anything, it is that we will never get ahead. Every time we get a leg up, we are thrown back down, and kicked while we are there. 

But God...

How Did This Happen?

Slowly over time as the ground beneath us eroded. That is how it happened.

I have talked openly about some of the emotional and mental abuse I wrestled with in my formative years. I have shared my journey of learning to love myself for who I am and right where I am at.

See, I was told, by so many people, over so many years, that nothing I did would ever be good enough. I was a failure. I was stupid. I was a mistake. I shouldn't have been born and should probably just die so others don't have to be around me. I knew, because so many people told me, that everything bad that happened was clearly my fault. At the very least, it was because of some ineptitude in me.

Those experiences have been the source of two of my greatest struggles.

1. Believing that I am worth anything.
2. Hoping for anything good for myself.

I do not keep it a secret that I am a Christian. That means that I believe in the God of the Bible; the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and that they are one. I believe that Jesus became man so that He could take our place, receive the punishment for our sins, even though He was sinless, and set us free from the pain, the suffering, the bondage, the shame and condemnation of sin, both committed by us and against us by others, and restore us to the life, purpose, future and eternity that God had originally planned for us. I also believe that we have an enemy, Satan, and that He wants to see us destroyed by the power of sin.

Let me just say this... He knows our weaknesses. He delights in exploiting them. He knows that if he can take away our identity in Christ, he can keep us from our destiny. So, he goes about, tempting us with the things he knows we struggle with, hurting us with the wounds that have been created in us, and distracting us from God's good plan for us with lies and temptation.

He knows my struggles and he brings them up every time I face a mountain.

So back to where I left off...

We have struggled financially for 13 1/2 years. There have been ups and downs. There have been times of lack and times of getting by. There have been a few brief seasons of surplus. In all of these seasons we have known that we were blessed. That we had more than many. That we were taken care of by a God who loves us. We have faced foreclosure several times and God has made a way each time.

This time, the outcome is a little different.

Before, we were always able to keep our home. God made a way for us to stay. This time, we are learning about letting go and a deeper sacrifice than we have ever known.

We juggled, shifted and scraped to keep afloat for so many years. God always filled in the gaps where we couldn't. This time, the gaps were too big for our tax return, and nothing we could do on our own could fill them. We were facing foreclosure and we didn't have the money, or means to come up with the money, to stop it.

So, we reached out and asked for prayer and we prayed. 

We asked God for the money.

Our prayer was answered, just not in the way we expected.

I'm Not Sure What to Say...

So please excuse the rambling...

I have been debating for some weeks whether or not to publish this and when I should publish this if I do. Since you are reading this, clearly I have decided to "pull the trigger", so to speak.

Y'all know I believe in openness, honesty and transparency, even when it hurts... and really, especially when it hurts.

This is one of those life experiences that really hurts.

I have shared some of our story as it relates to finances, but I want to take a moment to elaborate.

When we were young, long before we had kids, we made our share of financial mistakes, so when we found out were going to have a baby, we wanted to really straighten out our finances. We had all these great plans for both of us to work so we could pay our bills on time, we had a budget so we could save, we thought we were going to be on track to "live responsibly".

But then there were complications with the delivery and I was unable to go back to work as soon as I had hoped. My employer declined to work with my physical limitations so I became unemployed.

That wasn't what we had planned for. We never expected we would be trying to live on $10/hr with our new baby. We did what we could to make it work. We got on WIC to help with cost of formula and food. We lived paycheck to paycheck. We juggled shutoff notices. We explored different employment options for me, but with my husband's hours and the cost of childcare, it wouldn't improve our financial situation. We did a LOT of praying, seeking God, asking "Why?" and "What are we supposed to do?".

God's answer came in two parts.

1. Trust Him to provide for what we cannot.
2. Commit to staying home and raising our child(ren).

So we did.

When our son was young, we went through a period when my husband was laid off that was really hard. So, we humbled ourselves and we got help. We went to the food bank for our area and were blessed that they also had clothes and toys so our son could be blessed with his needs and some fun little "wants". At the suggestion of a friend, we signed up for food stamps, and medicaid. While my husband looked for a new job, applying for everything and anything he could find, I took a job, making minimum wage to try and get us by. That was the winter when we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill to prevent it from being shut off. As cold as it was, we had fun cooking on a camp stove and snuggling under a mountain of blankets to keep warm. Thankfully we only had to go without power for a month, so many people face so much worse. As rough as those days felt, that time created the longing in our hearts to be able to one day bless others who are struggling financially.  

Here we were, pregnant with our daughter and my husband having no luck finding employment, no matter how many jobs he applied for. So, he enlisted in the Air Force. He and I had always wanted to serve our country. I had so wanted to honor the example and sacrifices of my grandfathers and uncles. So even though I was not looking forward to all of the time apart and the potential risks, I was happy for and proud of him. It was not meant to be, however. Due to unknown health complications, my husband was discharged from the Air Force and sent home. Once again we had no income. So, the search began for another job. 

He finally found a stable job making $10/hr. that would give him the opportunity for advancement. He worked long, crazy hours and he worked hard to provide for our family and earn promotions. He supervised night shifts and eventually got promoted to days. 

By this time we had 3 children and were renting a house in a nice neighborhood. In spite of his best efforts and several promotions he was still only making $12/hr. and now there were 5 of us to support. Rent was going up. We no longer qualified for food assistance. So we needed a miracle to keep things going.

God came through. Big time.

We looked into buying a home instead of renting because, at the time, much like now, it was cheaper to own than to rent. We couldn't believe it when we qualified to buy a house! We were so excited that we were going to be able to save money on rent! We found a home in a little town in the country that I have always loved and within two hours our offer was accepted. We were going to have our own home. 

Over the years, we have faced many ups and downs financially. No matter how tight we kept our budget, we couldn't seem to build up savings. Even though my husband was excelling at work, his income was not going up enough to match the cost of living increases. The only option we could see for improving our position financially was to put my husband through college. 

We didn't qualify for much in grants so we had to take out loans to cover books and part of tuition. We believed that in the end it would be worth the cost of repaying them so he could have the opportunity for greater income.

So, while he went to college full-time, he also worked full-time. I continued to stay home with our kids, home schooling all 3 of them, because I was still not in a position to offset the cost of childcare with my potential income and with my husband's hours, he could not watch them for me to work. We also still felt very strongly that we should honor our commitment with God to stay home and raise and educate our children, and, honestly, we felt that the sacrifices was worth the investment in our children. 

During his last couple semesters, my husband got laid off again. We had been blessed through the loss of my grandfather, to have some inheritance in the bank. So while he finished up his Bachelor's degree and completed his unpaid internship, we were able to make ends meet. 

It's funny, how life goes. Every time we were blessed to finally have some money in savings, something came along that took it. Each time that happened to us, we struggled to not feel like every time something good came our way, we were kicked back down by something new. It was all we could do to hold on to hope for a better future, that one day we would walk out of this long valley and be able to reach out and offer a hand to other people who were doing the best they could, but still struggling. We made the conscious decision to look at those experiences as provision for what we had not seen coming instead of being robbed of every opportunity to finally get a leg up.

So why am I taking the time to write all of this out? 

Because here we are. Again.

Finally in the position to get ahead, but losing, or rather, "giving up" everything instead.

The Morning After...

There are so many great and fitting "morning after" jokes that are metaphorically applicable today. 

Waking up with horror and disbelief of what happened last night... 
Panic about having to face what happened causing you to try and "run away"...
Looking at the evidence of what happened and wanting to gnaw your own arm off to get away from it...

That is how I feel today, but probably not for the reasons you might expect. I don't feel that way because of who was or wasn't elected. I am ashamed and grieved by who we as a nation have allowed ourselves to become.

It is a funny thing...

We were taught in grade school to mind our manners; to say "please" and "thank you", "yes sir" and "yes ma'am". We were told to treat others with respect, the way we would want to be treated, regardless of our differences or how we have been treated. As adults, we tell children that having tantrums when they don't get their way is not acceptable. We discourage bullying, name calling, resorting to physical violence and gossip/slander. We preach "tolerance".

--- YET ---

When it comes to anyone with a view that is different than ours, (or a candidate that we didn't vote for winning an election), all of those principals and values seem to just fly right out the window. 

People keep asking "What has happened to our country?"

It's simple.

The same rules do not apply to everyone.

Adults are melting down and having full blown tantrums because they did not get their way. They are calling each other all manner of names and making accusations about a person's character with absolutely no evidence to substantiate them. People are disrupting the lives of others, destroying property that does not belong to them, and ending relationships all because they disagree.

If it is not okay for our children to behave in such a manner, HOW is it okay for adults to do so?!

COME ON, PEOPLE!

You want to know "what's wrong" with the United States? THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG.

I don't care who wins an election, you don't get to have a tantrum about it. You don't get to destroy property. You don't get to be disrespectful and abusive to others. 

Not cool, y'all, not cool.

I have voted in 5 elections. The candidate I voted for has not always won. I have never trashed the people who voted differently than myself. I have never destroyed property because I didn't like the outcome. I have never tried to leave my country because I didn't get my way. I have never accused voters on the "other side" of all manner of unseemly things and basically being deplorable people simply because we do not agree on everything. 

It is disappointing, and frankly disgusting, to watch adults being consumed with bitterness and hatred and being so completely destructive and divisive instead of conducting themselves with dignity and showing mature respect for others. 

Who are we teaching the future generations to be? 

We are showing them, with our words and actions, how to treat others. 
We are showing them how to handle disappointment. 
We are showing them how to respond to challenges.

As a mother, I can tell you, they are watching. They are taking it all in. They are learning through observation. But what are they learning?

They are learning to hate anyone who is different than them.
They are learning that they are somehow "superior" and "more valuable" because of their beliefs or political affiliation.
They are learning that difference of opinion isn't an opportunity to learn something, or understand a different perspective. Instead, they are learning that opposing opinions create the opportunity for them to make judgments about others. That slander and defamation of character are good practices, because that's what it is when you call people names and make baseless accusations about the quality of their character.
They are learning that it is okay to be violent and destructive when you don't get what you want or like the way something was done.
They are learning how to use their words to draw blood, to wound others, and to ultimately "go for the kill". 
They are learning that there is no value in relationships apart from what you can get from them because they are to be abandoned when the other person doesn't do what you want.  

They are learning that family and friends are enemies when they don't do/say/think the same way.

Is that really what we want to teach them? 

The morning after isn't the time for negativity, hatred, abuse, violence, further division, and all manner of destructive behaviors. It is the time to reach out a hand and begin to bridge the gap. Instead of continuing the destruction, we need to put on our "big kid undies" and work together for a better future. We need to take responsibility for our future instead of putting all of the responsibility on someone else only to tear them down when they don't meet our expectations. If we want things to be different we have to do them differently. All of us are responsible for change. 

This election has left our nation painfully divided. Now is not the time to drive the stake further, it is the time for healing to begin. That means we need to humble ourselves and apologize for the way we have treated each other. We need to stop trying to "decimate" one another and start respecting each other. Instead of condemning, we need to try to understand. Above all... we need to love. 

We can be better than this.

We need to be better than this.

We need to set the example for future generations.

We need to be the change that we want to see.

No candidate can do that for us.

Be safe. Be kind. Love one another.

I Voted...

In any of the previous elections, voting has given me hope for positive change in our future.

Not this year.

This year there isn't that familiar feeling of "honor" in having done my "civic duty". This year, voting felt like a scam. I felt robbed. There was no candidate that I truly "wanted" to elect. I have wrestled with the complete disappointment in the way the major party candidates conducted themselves during this campaign. Their behavior, their words... they were juvenile at best and utterly disgraceful. 

When we vote, we choose the person who we believe will lead our nation in a positive direction. To me, that means someone who will conduct themselves with the honor and dignity due the highest office in our nation. It is a privileged to assume the title of President of the United States. It is the responsibility to do what is best for this country and her people. It is the responsibility to treat the rest of the world with respect. When I look at the Republican and Democratic nominees, I don't see honor, dignity, respect, humility... Those traits aren't things that should be overlooked. We are guided by our principals, our moral code, and thus far, they have not exhibited principals that I feel confident will serve our nation, or the world, well.

When we vote, we are casting our lot on a leader who most closely aligns with our stance on the issues that matter the most to us, in faith that they will make wise decisions and lead our country in a positive direction. In the past, I have had some measure of that trust as I turned in my ballot. Today, I do not feel that way.

I have prayed and given a great deal of thought to voting this year. Not that I haven't done either of those in the past, but this election in particular has left me feeling a little lost, conflicted and honestly, disappointed, and as such I have found myself in need of more time spent in prayer and thought. The only conclusion that I have reached is that our God is so much BIGGER than all of this and no matter what the outcome is, He is in control, so I don't need to be afraid.

After the primary, I stopped praying for a "better candidate" and started praying for whomever is elected. I prayed that he/she will surround him/herself with people of upstanding character; people who have wisdom in governing and law; people that value freedom, respect our constitution and can give sound advice. I pray that he/she will humble him/herself to listen to council, to receive wisdom, and to act in the best interest of our nation and her people without disrespecting or minimizing the rest of the world. I will continue to pray for this for all of our elected leaders.

As I go about my day, having turned in my ballot, I will not be doing what I have done in previous years. In the past, there was the anticipation of seeing the results of this process culminate in the election of our next President. I looked forward to turning on the news and watching the results of so many people exercising their freedom, however limited, to voice who they believe should lead our nation. There was an inspiring energy that came from so many people looking to the future, hoping to see positive change, increased stability, peaceful resolution to conflict, and our people uniting to work toward a healthy future.  

This year, there is so much division and hatred. So much disrespect and dishonor. I don't want to see the media coverage today. Thus far, it has done nothing to foster healthy debate, encourage learning, or bring people together. It has, instead, inspired the worst in people. The continually degrading commentary has only served to encourage division, incite anger, promote mudslinging, self-superiority, judgement and embarrassingly disgraceful behavior all in the name of being "right" or "better than" whomever opposes a standpoint/belief/candidate. I have zero desire to watch the crapfest of people oozing their bitterness and spewing their vile hatred. 

This year, I have the desire to shut out all media coverage and simply pray for our future. 

Today, as ballots are turned in, as votes are cast, I will be praying for healing. Our nation has come to a place of such deep division. Relationships have been damaged. Friends have been distanced. Families have forgone the old adage that blood is thicker than water in favor of being "right". We need healing, and that begins with each one of us. 

I hope that everyone will set aside their political self-righteousness and extend the olive branch to one another and begin the long process of healing that our nation so deeply needs. 

Be safe. Be kind. Be bigger than this mess. 

Love each other.

Sometimes I Feel So Lost and Helpless...

and really... I am.

There are moments of indirection, when I am completely lost. There are times when I am afraid. There are days when I feel utterly hopeless and thoroughly confused. BUT... God is always there for me. I do not have to face it alone.

See, it is typically my first inclination to F.R.E.A.K. O.U.T. when one of life's storms arises and try to do whatever I can, whatever it takes, to fix it. My initial response is usually fear. Then I tend to turn into a rabid-archaeologist-of-destruction and dig up all those old dusty recordings of everything I have ever done wrong and replay them, ad nauseam, in some meaningless form of self-flagellation that is meant to ensure my understanding that whatever is happening is surely my fault and well deserved. Let's be real, sometimes it is. Y'all, I do some really stupid things from time to time, even in my best intentions I can make one heck of a M.E.S.S. BUT, sometimes it isn't my fault. Sometimes it is no one's fault. Sometimes, crap.just.happens. Yet, it is only when I finally feel so beaten down and broken that I finally cry out to God. It can take minutes or it can take days, either way it is time woefully wasted.

I don't know why my first instinct is not to reject all of that rubbish and simply run to Him. Maybe it is my fear of hearing Him say that all of those things I have believed about myself are true. Maybe it is the fear that He will leave me in my mess because what I am facing is exactly what I deserve. Maybe it is panic rooted on some level in the pride of thinking "I can fix this"... It may just be a combination of all three. Regardless, it is not the response I desire to have. I want my first response to be to run to my Father, snot-sniffling-puffy-eyed-ugly-cry and all, and just fall into the safety of His embrace. I don't want to beat myself up and hate myself for all of the foolish things I have done in my own folly. I want to be able to say "I am sorry" for doing things my way and ask for forgiveness and help because the truth is...

I can't do any of this on my own.

 There is nothing I can do on my own to "miracle" my circumstances better. There is no "quick fix" or "easy answer". The giant I am facing cannot be conquered without His help. Even when it is my own mess, and maybe especially when it is my own mess, I don't have what it takes to clean it up by myself. I don't have the knowledge or ability. I need His wisdom, His guidance and His help.

He is always there, waiting patiently, for me to come to Him and simply ask. <3

Sometimes I feel so, so lost and helpless, and really... I am.

But You are there for me, Father. You walk with me. You watch over me. You carry me when I can't walk. You are my shelter in the storms of life. You don't get mad at me when I am afraid or when doubt and uncertainty creep in. Instead, You take me in Your arms, You look me in the eyes and You gently remind me that I am not alone and I can trust You. You don't chastise me for all the things I have done wrong; You make me feel safe. You don't shame me in my weakness; You give me strength, courage and hope. Without You, I am nothing. Without You, I am exactly what the world says I am. BUT with You, I can become so much more. You give me purpose; You give me dreams; You give me gifts so that I can do something good for someone else. Me, this girl who cannot fix her messes on her own... You use me for good. You make something of value from these ashes and You make a way for my life to bring glory to Your name.

Thank you, Father, for who you are.

Thank you for loving me, just as I am, yet enough to help me become something more.